Overcoming Sexual Complacency

Sexual satisfaction is something we all seem to focus on. Sometimes we focus on it when we should be focused on something else! My private mental health practice is located in the heart of Miami, and is surrounded by beautiful people and a sexy lifestyle. Right now, couples seem to be fascinated by new ways to spice up their sex life. Many are hoping to overcome common sexual ruts. Sex in the COVID time has been a hot topic in today’s media. In times of COVID you would think everyone is having more sex than ever, but we are actually in a period of high stress, and because of this, sex is actually on the decline for many people.


As the “Honeymoon Stage” (intense excitement in the relationships lasting about 6 months) for any new couple lapses, many people fall into a place of sexual complacency. One of the most common reasons for this tends to be when couples go to bed at different times. As you can imagine, if you are not in bed together, how are you supposed to share sexy time? This is when sex really begins a steep and startling decrease.


Another reason is simply generational. Relationships between Millennials seem to be on the fast track. Couples are pairing up more quickly than in previous generations. Studies have shown that people are spending more time together, dating more, and end up moving-in together earlier into a relationship. With such a fast paced romance, couples are reaching the end of the Honeymoon Stage much sooner. As that initial spark dies, so too does the inspiration for sex! When couples get stuck in this ongoing phase of sexual complacency, desire, inspiration, and excitement wanes. Today many couples have developed patterns of turning on Netflix, and skipping the sexy evening.


There is a common thought, that couples are having the most sex of their lives right now due to the fact that we are being quarantined in our home. This is simply not the case. Stress, change, uncertainty, not knowing how you are going to pay your credit card bill, these are all libido killers! They cause an otherwise healthy couple to inevitably have less sex. Now, more than ever, couples need inspiration for sexual creativity! This motivation is especially important at a time when their libido may be most challenged.


What better way to get creative and inspired on ways to make love to your partner, than adding something new to the bedroom? Sex toys are a great way to help break the cycle of sexual complacency, and get people motivated and excited to be intimate with their partner.


So what stands in the way of such a simple solution? Ourselves, of course!


We all know there is a general stigma that exists around sex toys. Many people do not feel comfortable buying or using a sex toy because society makes them feel taboo. Males tend to feel their sexual performance is marked as inadequate if their partner desires to play or experiment with a sex toy. I am here to tell you that this is an outdated and frustrating belief. Adding a sex toy to the bedroom does not mean, in any way, that someone is not able to pleasure their partner. Toys are meant for couples as well as individual play. They are here to enhance pleasure, creativity, and excitement. Toys have so many positive and encouraging elements. It’s our job to help crush this cultural stigma and help people explore their pleasure zones.


Sex toys allow everyone to explore their own personal pleasure pathway, while enhancing the user’s general sense of self and sexuality. I have many clients that share with me that they struggle telling their partner about sexual desires, fantasies, and what they would like to explore in bed. This breakdown of communication is yet another one of the factors that leads to sexual complacency.


The addition of a sex toy is one of the pieces that can help break this cycle!


While sex toys enhance pleasure, they also add excitement and anticipation of expected pleasure into the relationship. Think about when you are in an Adult Toy Shop and you are looking at the toys. It’s exciting! You feel your adrenaline pumping and you want to rush home to play with the new toy. You become very thankful for the fact that the toy came with half a battery charge!


The idea of adding something new to sexy time excites people! This excitement is exactly what many couples are in need of right now. People are searching for that something to create excitement in their sex lives, such as the toy that will motivate them out of the sexual complacency and feel empowered all over again about their sexuality and their relationship.


My point is this: while toys enhance pleasure and create excitement, they also encourage sexual communication. Both men and women have reported feeling intimidated by sex toys, and shy when it comes to talking about sex with their partner. Opening up about the insecurities people have around sex can bring them closer to their partner, and trust me, a lot more satisfied with their sexual experiences as well. Allowing people to feel ever more emotionally connected and ultimately safer when discussing sexual desires, can all be part of the benefit of adding in a sex toy.


The shopping phase is one of the main places a couple is forced out of their comfort zone. They are encouraged to talk about their sexual desire in order to pick out the best selection. In choosing the right toy (or multiple toys!), people share with their partner what they are looking for in sexual play. They share their most pleasurable erogenous zones, ideas, fantasies, kinks they’d like to explore, “Off Limit” zones, and “No Way” items just to name a few ideas that can come up once the conversation is started!


Once this ominous “communication door” is open, couples will quickly grow to feel more emotionally safe with their partner and become empowered to continue exploring their pleasure pathway.


Like I always say, “Sex is between the ears, not the legs”.

© 2020 Insight Counseling Center Miami